book & blanket drive 2016

Next month, we will celebrate Owen's second birthday. I can hardly believe he would be turning two-years-old. Last year we hosted a book & blanket drive for the babies and children in the CICU at Egleston in Atlanta, and it was a huge success. This year we plan to do the same thing. I don't expect it to be as huge as it was last year, but even if we have ten gift bags, it would be special. 

If you are new to our journey, Owen was our first baby who was born with a severe heart defect called Shone's Complex. He lived for 43 days and was the sweetest and strongest little baby. Books and blankets were two of his most favorite things. He loved being read to, and we loved reading to him. It created memories I will never forget. Having our own personal blankets in the hospital instead of the hospital blankets they provided made the unit feel more like home (which is usually the case for a lot of these families- living in the hospital every waking hour).

We invite you to join us again this year in gifting books and blankets to families in the CICU. I loved hearing updates last year when packages were delivered to families.We had enough to last several months! 

We will accept any new or gently used blankets and books. Thicker blankets are great to put under the babies as a "bottom sheet" and thinner muslin or receiving blankets are great to cover them. Larger blankets are great for older children. Everything will be washed and cleaned before packaging in gift bags for each family.

All donations need to be made by February 17th, and will be delivered to the hospital on Owen's birthday, February 23rd. Email us at brianandallisonparker[at]gmail.com if you would like to mail or ship items to our address. If you're shopping online, Amazon Prime is a really easy option! If you're local in Charlotte, I am more than happy to pick up items from you myself. Atlanta friends, I have people who are willing to collect donations. Let me know if you're interested, and I will get you in touch with them. 

As a former parent of a child in the CICU, I can honestly say that any act of kindness, especially from strangers, means the world when you are in such a state of crisis. I felt so much love from people I may never meet face to face, and it's an honor to do the same for others who are now in the same situation. Thanks for joining us! 

To read about last year's drive, click here! 

He makes all things new

Today is a very tender day. Hazel is six weeks and one day old. The exact same age that Owen was when he went to heaven. I find myself reliving Owen's last moments and remembering what it was like to hold his lifeless body. The final days and hours of his life were traumatic. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. I have been anticipating this day from the day Hazel was born. Part of me is still in disbelief that his body went through so much and at the young age of six weeks and one day, his life on earth ended. 

I miss my boy. I miss him for Hazel. I hate that she doesn't have an older brother here to grow up with. I imagine all of the big brother, little sister pictures I would be taking and how fun it would be to watch them interact. I wanted that for her.  As I sit here and type, I have my sweet little girl on my chest asleep. I feel the warmth of her body and hear the little whistle in her breath. She is showered in my tears, but she doesn't seem to mind. It feels good to let myself grieve.

In the last days of my pregnancy with Hazel, my emotions were all over the place. I felt so anxious about her birth. I felt anxiety about all of the triggers I would experience from being back in a delivery room again. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy Hazel's newborn days because they would remind me of what I never had with Owen. The opposite happened, and I am so thankful.

Hazel is the biggest comfort and brings me so much joy. Already this morning she has brought so many smiles to my face. She woke up this morning with an enormous poopy diaper that required a complete wardrobe change. While changing her, she gave us the biggest and sweetest smiles. I heard her laugh out loud for the first time today. She was half asleep while it happened, but it still gave me a glimpse of the real laughs that are to come. On her 43rd day, I am going to hold her a little longer, let her nap in my arms, take even more pictures of her than I do on a typical day, and read all of Owen's favorite books to her in his memory.

A dear friend recently gave me a necklace with these words written on it: "He makes all things new." This is true for both of my children. Hazel is a new little life on earth an Owen was given a new life in heaven. I love these verses in Isaiah about the new heaven and the new earth.

"And there will no longer be heard in her days the voice of weeping and the sound of crying. No longer will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days; or an old man who does not live out his days." (Isaiah 65: 19b-20a). 

Welcome to the family, sweet Hazel!

Almost six weeks ago, we welcomed the sweetest little girl into our family. Hazel Kathryn Parker was born on November 9th, 2015 at 7:51 pm. She weighed 8 pounds, 7 ounces (the same as Owen!), and was 21.5 inches long. We fell in love with her instantly.

Before her birth, Brian and I were looking forward to new firsts and "normal" newborn experiences we didn't have with Owen. We certainly got them with Hazel. She has brought more joy into our lives than I knew was possible after such a loss. What a gift.

I have my baby in my arms. I can't even describe the feeling. 

Proud daddy and his little Hazel nut, as he lovingly calls her. He hadn't held another baby since he held Owen. The most precious moment. 

She wore these little pink and white stripe kissy kissy pajamas for her going home outfit. It was the pink version of what we had picked out for Owen to wear going home. There are so many little touches of him in her. 

The most exciting moment for us after she was born was taking her HOME! It almost felt like we were doing something wrong, leaving the hospital with a baby in our arms... I look exhausted in this picture, but I love it. It was the most amazing feeling even just standing outside of the hospital with our healthy little girl in our arms!

Even though Owen isn't here with us, I hope she will always feel a bond with him as her brother. We will continue to incorporate little bits of him into her life. She will always know he is her big brother. Heaven will be a very real place for her from a young age because he is there. My prayer for her is that she will always know how much Jesus loves her and that she will grow to love him with her whole heart. I can't wait to tell her one day how God has used her in my life to provide healing and redemption. My heart is fuller than it was before she was here. It won't be completely full until heaven, but I am so thankful for these moments of joy. We love you little Hazel and are loving the adventure of being your parents! 

Team Owen Shirts

Hi everyone! It's been a while! We have had a busy fall, but we're not complaining because time seems to be flying by, and in just a few more weeks Baby Girl Parker will be here! We can hardly wait for her arrival. 

Several of you have mentioned that you would like more Team Owen shirts and onesies in different sizes, so we re-launched the shirt campaign for a couple of weeks! Owen's little sister will need onesies and shirts as well, so we are excited to buy one in every size. :) The shirts are $20 and the onesies are $15. Half of the cost of the shirt will go toward the 2016 Book & Blanket Drive for babies in the CICU at Egleston. I'll post more about that later, but for now, if you'd like to order a shirt or onesie, you have until October 18th to do so. 

To order shirts, click here.

To order onesies, click here.

We recently did The Greater Charlotte Heart Walk and were so proud to wear Owen's shirts among the thousands of people at the walk that day. A few people asked us who Owen was, and we were so proud to tell them. We plan on doing the congenital heart walk in Atlanta this spring and will create a team, make new shirts, and try to raise money for the foundation. We didn't get a chance to do any of that for the walk in Charlotte, but it was still really fun to be a part of it! I loved having his baby sister in my belly walking with us. 

If you have any questions about the shirts or onesies, feel free to leave a comment, and I'll do my best to answer! Thanks to Ginna for relaunching the shirt and onesie campaign. 

joyful news

We are so happy to announce that our family is growing even more. We are going to have another baby, and that baby just so happens to be a little girl! We found out her gender on June 12th, which is the same day two years ago that I found out I was pregnant with Owen. The timing of finding out I was pregnant was also perfect. It was just a few days after Owen's birthday and was such a gift to discover a new little life during the anniversary of Owen's six weeks. It felt like a birthday present. 

We had a trip planned to the mountains the day after our anatomy scan. We decided to bring up pink balloons to release to her big brother in heaven. The walk up the mountain that day was redeeming in a way. Eleven months prior, we carried Owen's ashes up the mountain. This day, we had a new little life growing and pink balloons. I dream of the day we will be able to carry this little girl up to visit her big brother. He will always be a part of her life.

Oh, how I wish Owen had been strapped to his daddy's back looking around at everything that day. He would have loved it. How is it possible to feel so much joy and sorrow at the same time? My mind is boggled by this. I've never experienced anything like it before. 

Owen's meadow was beautiful. It couldn't have been any more perfect unless he had been there too. Releasing the balloons was symbolic and so special. Our babies are connected and always will be. 

I love looking at the smiles on our faces in these pictures. They show genuine joy. I never thought it would be possible to feel such joy again. This can only come from the Lord. He continues to work in our grief and reveal promises to us again and again. My heart may never be completely full until heaven because part of me is already there. Owen has given me an eternal perspective that I didn't have before. He continues to teach me things and be present in my life in such powerful ways. 

We appreciate your prayers during this pregnancy. It would be so easy to let fear take over and spend every hour worrying that we will have another sick baby or worse, lose another child. We are thankful that so far, all of our scans and tests have come back great and she looks healthy. We will have a fetal echocardiogram in a couple weeks where they will take a closer look at her heart. I love my team of doctors and know that we are in the best hands. It just so happens that one of the pediatric cardiologists in my practice here in Charlotte was a fellow at Egleston when Owen was there. He knows all about Owen and his heart defects which is such a comfort. He also did his residency with my cousin in Atlanta, so we had a personal connection before he even worked with Owen. I remember him coming up to us on our second or third day in the hospital and told us that my cousin told him we were there. I can't tell you how many times things like that happen with different people It feels like such a small world sometimes! I love how the people we encounter are never by accident.

Baby girl Parker is due in November. I have to share one last thing. My Paper Source calendar had arrows on it in the month of February which was so appropriate for Owen's birthday. A few months ago, I got a call from my friend Carrie telling me that the mini Paper Source calendar has arrows on it in the month of November this year! I went straight to the store and bought it. I really do believe that this is God's way of showing up again and again in the small things, just like he did over and over again during Owen's life at Egleston. It gives me so much peace and calms my anxious heart.

Baby girl, we love you and can't wait to meet you! xoxo

when the hard gets harder

I've been missing Owen so much more than usual lately. I always miss him, but lately it's been more intensified. Maybe it's because Mother's Day was recently here and Father's Day is approaching. Maybe it's because one of my very best friends just had her first child, and Owen isn't here to grow up with her. It just isn't fair. I keep searching through my phone and computer for new pictures of Owen. Ones I didn't know I had or haven't seen before. But there aren't any, and that makes me sad and angry.

I did find this one though. When I look at this picture I see a body weary from childbirth, a face swollen from tears, eyes gazing at the precious child that was knit in her womb for nine months. I see so much love. I love how Owen's little hand wrapped around my finger. I miss this so much. I wish I could have dreams about him and remember them. I haven't had a single one. It would be like a little piece of heaven if I did.

I've been missing Egleston a lot lately and all of the people there. It's probably a strange thing to miss, but those are the people that knew Owen with us, and that was the place that he lived. If we still lived in Atlanta, I can promise you I would be a frequent visitor in the CICU to drop off goodies for the staff and gifts for the families. 

Life isn't all sadness. We have so much to be thankful for. We love, love, love living in Charlotte and our home here. This is the most "at home" I've felt in years. I have enjoyed planning and hosting a baby shower here in my home last month and using my creative energy again, I especially love decorating my home little by little and making it our own. We have enjoyed exploring Charlotte, trying new restaurants, and establishing roots here. We both love the people we work with and are so thankful for our jobs. 

It's nice having life come back to normal. We're adjusting to what this new normal is with our baby boy in heaven. I think one of the the hardest things for me is figuring out how to balance joy and sorrow. From the outside people might think that things have gotten easier for us as time has passed. That's certainly what I used to think about people before I experienced this form of loss. But it hasn't gotten easier, we've just better adjusted to the pain in our hearts and have learned (and continue to learn) how to carry it through each day. We know we don't carry it alone. 

I recently started reading Kara Tippetts' book The Hardest Peace, and I have already learned so much from it. If you're not familiar with Kara, she recently lost her battle to cancer and knows what it truly is to suffer. In the introduction of the book she writes, "This is not a book about trying to win at having the hardest story. This book is about a broken woman on a journey to know the hardest peace. Peace in the midst of hard. I speak both generally and specifically of hard, because hard is often the vehicle Jesus uses to meet us, point us to that peace, and teach us grace." 

I feel that I am in the middle of this journey of hard. Instead of rushing the hard away, my prayer is that my heart and mind will be open and that I will grow and minister to others who are also experiencing hard. That I will draw closer to Jesus in this journey and keep a soft heart in the process. And on the days when the hard gets harder, that I will find comfort in the great comforter who can provide peace like no other.

a year ago today

A year ago today we had to say goodbye. We didn't want to. We selfishly wanted him here with us. How can a new little life end so soon? It was too soon in our minds. I hate replaying the events of this day a year go in mind. It was a day we were told to prepare for, but how can parents prepare for the death of their child? It's impossible... We tried so hard to live in the moment. To enjoy every little bit of life we shared with Owen. How can you prepare for holding your lifeless child in your arms? How can you prepare for leaving his body in the hospital, knowing you will never see him again in this life? You can't. But God gives you the grace to handle each moment.

Yesterday, I went into a children's store for the first time since having Owen, to shop for a friend's baby. I went to this store countless times before Owen was born, preparing for him and buying the cutest little outfits. When I made it in and out of the store without tears and a smile on my face almost exactly a year after his death, I knew it was only by God's grace. I can honestly say that nothing I do is by my own power. If it were up to me, I would spend lots of days crawled up in bed in tears. The ache is so deep a year later. People say it will get better with time. I feel like the people who say this have never lost a child. What I find to be true is that your heart gets used to bearing so much pain and sorrow that you learn to live with it. I loved the sermon on Easter Sunday. It was about deep sorrow turning into pure joy. I love the hope of that. In this past year, I have experienced some moments of joy that I am truly thankful for. A year ago today, I didn't think that would be possible. I am hopeful for more of these moments. It's such a strange balance of emotions. I'm still learning how to feel happiness, excitement, and sorrow all at the same time. It's really hard!

I was talking with a friend a few months ago, sharing some of our story with her for the first time. One of the things she said really struck me. She reminded me that God the same God on the day that I found out I was pregnant with Owen, the day that he was born, the day we found out about his diagnosis, and the day that he died. I love thinking about that. Instead of being angry at him for allowing Owen to die, I think of him rejoicing with us when we found out I was pregnant and when he was born, comforting us when we found out his diagnosis, and mourning with us on the day that he died.

After Owen died, I told my counselor that I just wanted ten years to pass quickly so I could escape the intense pain I felt. Now, I want the opposite. I hate that it's been a year since I held Owen in my arms. I don't want anymore time to pass. I don't want to forget things about him- what he smelled like, the noises he made, the softness of his skin... He will always be my baby and the one who made me a mommy. He is irreplaceable.

A year ago today, heaven became a very real place for me. A part of me is already there, and I can't wait to scoop him in my arms, hold him tight, and never let him go. When I was little and trying to understand what heaven will be like, my parents told me to imagine my happiest day, only better. My happiest day was the day I met Owen and held him in my arms. I can't wait for an eternity of those days.

Owen, your mommy and daddy miss you so much, especially today. Our sadness is deep because our love for you is deep. You continue to be a part of our every day. On our way to church on Sunday, we talked about what we would have put in your Easter basket this year and how cute your little outfit would have been. We fantasized about a family Easter picture after church. We still call our small bedroom that has some of your furniture in it "Owen's room." I still have your same pair of socks in my purse that I had a year ago when you were in the hospital. I smile every time I see them there. Every day we miss you. You have changed our lives for the better, and have taught us so much. A couple days before you died, I told a team of doctors that I didn't want to be the one to share your story. I wanted you to live to share it. God had other plans, and I feel honored to not only be a part of your story, but to continue to share it with others. Your life continues to be used in big ways. I'm so glad I'm a part of it

.

love,
Mommy