and if not...

And if not, He is still good. This has been the phrase I repeat to myself over and over again to remember God's goodness, because to be honest, I don't really feel it most of the time. Just saying those words brings me to tears because I feel such disappointment from God, yet I know that he loves me and cares about the state of my heart. To this day, I honestly can't believe Owen isn't here. I really can't. It takes my breath away. During his life, I was certain God would heal him, and that so many people would be drawn to the Lord because of it. But that wasn't the plan. We experienced the "and if not" to our biggest hope and prayer. Even if I don't feel that God is still good all the time, I know that he is. I'm thankful for his goodness.

I wanted a reminder of this truth displayed in my house, so I asked my friend Becca to make some sort of sketchy doodle so I could hang it on my wall. She had the idea to use a photo with words over it, and I loved that idea. I thought a picture of The Bald where Owen's ashes are spread would be the perfect photo to use. Originally, we thought we'd use a sunny picture with a view of the mountains, but Becca played around with this picture of The Bald that I took on Christmas day, and I think it's perfect.

There's something about the grey and coldness of this picture that speaks to me. It's powerful. It reminds me of the truth I long to feel in this cold, dark season. It gives me hope. I can't wait to hang it on my wall. 

Becca has these prints for sale in her shop *here*. She is donating all the profits to the Sibley Heart Center.